So I deleted my original blog today. I was going through my bookmarks and I saw L's old blog. It made me relive some painful memories. It made me sit and take a ride through her side of it all. When I went to my old blog to see my response, I realized I had deleted all the posts. I get why Lena felt like deleting things was like erasing parts of yourself. It's not that I don't remember my emotions on the situations, it's just I wanted to see my words. I wanted to see the hate and the pain I caused others at my own expense. I cannot take all the blame, though.

To be honest I don't even remember why we fought. It doesn't matter because it's still part of me. But I will say that I learned in college that my brain chemistry was off and that taking anti-depressants help. I'm getting into a similar mindset as my younger self did and I'm realizing that I have a tendency to self-sabotage. Maybe that's why I get into these negative mindsets. But I will say that we were both very young and that I was a jealous and mildly manipulative person. I wanted to be the best and it stemmed from how I was raised and being a middle child. I also have learned that sometimes we are the toxic ones and we need to acknowledge that and strive to lose that toxicity.

I'm kind of getting off track here. I originally came on here to maybe apologize for my younger self and to start fresh. I could have kept that old blog and started this one for reasons that no one cares about but I feel if I keep old things, like my old baggage from the past, it will only serve as a place for me to come back and punish myself with. I won't forget, that's impossible, seeing as it was a key moment in my childhood. But I refuse to dwell on the past and continuously remember. I have forgiven myself and I've made amends. Our friendship will never be the same and I know that but I also am in a place where I do not hate myself nor do I hold any grudges. I cannot say the same for anyone else but that's okay because I can only control myself.

I guess, I want to say that I've grown and I'm starting to really understand myself. So a moment of silence for my deleted blog, may it rest in peace and may those negative emotions be cleansed in its passing. And a soft hello, to my new blog. May it be filled with light and happiness and may it mark the start of a new and positive beginning.

May the Moon sing you to sleep,
B