Hello lovely,

I have a secret to tell. Well, not so much a secret as something that only I know and would like to share. It's a thought. There we go. A thought, not a secret. I read something that was rather dark and the context of what I read has stayed with me since reading it. It was just a fanfic about body modification and that alone would normally deter me but for some reason, I've been in a rather dark mindset, not negative per se, but dark. Do you ever get those days? I suppose not since you are a blog but if there are other's reading this do you?

Aside from that thought being stuck in my head, I've been enjoying the fall weather. I know many people get seasonal depression because of Fall and Winter but despite me sometimes getting it, they still are my favorite seasons. I will say I follow someone on Tumblr that's rather negative about these seasons and not in a polite, personal manner but in a mean and petty manner and it makes me feel rather negatively about them but I also look up to them as an artist. That being said I cannot decide how I actually feel about all of this. Do I stop consuming their work and following them because of this negativity? Or do I just understand people are not perfect and despite their problematic tendencies continue to enjoy what content they put out? Like I understand we all have flaws but if their flaws are hurting me do I stop caring about them as a person? I suppose I should look at this from a celebrity's standpoint. When I like an actress but dislike their work, I just don't watch their work. Same vice versa, if I love an actor's work but hate their ethic I still watch their work but I also know that they are problematic and I do not have to like them as a person and can still enjoy their work as long as their problematic views or decisions do not reflect into that work. So I suppose I should just continue enjoying their art and stop having such a moral conundrum.

I spoke to J for such a long time and ever since I helped J figure out their feelings on the future and stuff we've lacked communication. This isn't a bad thing but I cannot help but miss the constant texting and phone calls. I suppose it's a bad sign that I did continuously text and call a friend whilst also ignoring everyone else. Not on purpose but my friends are busy and I understand that but when it happens I latch on to one person and hope they don't hate me for it. I understand that J could never hate me for communicating but that self-doubt likes to flare up all the time. I'm glad they are feeling better, though. I'm also trying to stop feeling depressed over my friends' happiness. That sounds bad but I've noticed I get jealous of other's life working and I want them to have issues so I can feel helpful. This is a toxic mentality and a toxic friendship that I do not want to be a part of. I have not acted on this mindset since my high school days but I feel it in the back of my throat every so often and it scares me. Am I am evil person? Am I truly toxic? Do my dark suicide thoughts have merit?

No.

No. No. No.

I am not the thoughts my mental illness give me. That does not define me as a person. I am me and I can get through this. I am happy for my friends. I am glad they are working out their life. I truly am. I am not this toxic illness. I am stronger than that. Just by acknowledging my faults and ways to fix or to stop thinking about them is strength enough.

New month, renewed me.
Hello October, I'm excited to see you. We'll get through this.

May the Autumn breeze kiss you today,
B